Letter for Two Loves

Dear my love, my husband to be;
My heart carries a burden now
For the crimes I commit
I must tell you before I decide to pass judgment on myself
For the consequences that I fear may take me to feel
That my only choice is this
I must die
I mustn't ever allow myself to come this close to hurting those I love
I ask myself this hourly now
I must take my life
Who cares if am weak or punished for it
How do I carry around the fact of the matter is
I think my feelings have carried me away with another
I fear that I mustn't allow myself near
Yet I fear I can't do that
Yet what's worse is that I disappointed you
I don't know if these emotions have begun in a time that I do not fully remember
I just know that in that time whence I was ill
And my mind unraveled
I didn't know if I wanted to live and
You brought me back from the dead
And I took my breath for the first time
But before that what I can't remember
I am starting too
I feel humbled and pained
With a well of intense emotion
How do I begin to say these words these thoughts?
How do I put them to use?
How do I even speak them?

Dear this mysterious love,
Is it love?
I feel that it is,
I remember that I pushed you away
I remember that it was for the best
I remember that I wasn't to care for you from their.
O I shouldn't have kissed you back
O I should have just ran and hide
I should stay away
That is my better instinct
My other instinct is to carry with these ironic twisted emotions
To figure this out
I fear that if I do it would change too much
Have I felt this way before, "yes"
But I negected it for the better,
I suppose you may want a better reason than that
I was ill as you know
And I was more willing to die than live or stay in an ill minded state
I never wanted to give love a chance to tear me apart again as it has done before
Too many ill-fated loves, too many tears, too much heartache
I not longer can bear it.
Too much that I must fight and doubt
And question everything
This insecurity in me
Is like a disease
That am trying to kill for my husband to be
Won't have to deal with my sudden outburst
Because of this little fear that turns me torrid
Now am a disloyal whore
Who's wavering heart is in a battle with my best efforts to make this die...
And die fast


By, Synthia C. Jimenez